I finally managed to watch "Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen". This was after it had been out in theatres for about half a week, enough time for the bad reviews to pile up and influence my expectations of the movie. And, sad to say, those negative reviews were spot-on. Michael Bay has really made a mess of the franchise.

Unfortunately for me, I had spoiled myself by reading the comic adaptation first. As a result, I had already known just how bad the storyline was. Even in the comic, Sam Witwicky came across as the whiny boy who refused to grow up yet got handed every responsibility in the world. Optimus Prime appeared less heroic than in the first movie. The major plothole about why the Fallen hadn't discovered the tomb of the Primes when he had millenia to search Earth was never explained satisfactorily. And all of the other robots, whether Autobots or Decepticons, were relegated to second-stringers next to their human counterparts.

Also, the new robots didn't make a difference at all. With more characters, one would expect a diversity of relationships and sub-plots. The only one that I thought would've been cool would be to see some robotic romance between Ironhide and Arcee. However, given Bay's disdain for the female robots, this was a dream that would never be realised.

Instead, Bay's favourites, the Autobot twins, were given too much screen time for their usefulness. As the other negative reviews had pointed out, they were the worst characters ever to make it to the big screen since "Star Wars"' Jar Jar Binks -- and I thought Jar Jar was quite tolerable! In contrast, the twins were just irritating. I hope someone does an edit of this film and calls it "Transformers: Absence of the Twins".

But removing the twins would still not do justice to the "Transformers" part of the title. The story was just nonsensical from the start. Like the attack in Shanghai. After two years of fighting huge robots, you'd think that the Autobots and U.S. Army would have a better idea of containing the fight. (Or maybe not, given how events have unfolded in Iraq.) And the final battle between Optimus Prime and the Fallen, where supposedly only a Prime could kill the Fallen? It seemed like after two punches, the Fallen just basically, well, fell. What the...?!

Even Devastator, the mother-of-all-bad-ass robots, was reduced to a bumbling gorilla for the most part. Where was the menacing robot who terrified the $#!+ out of the Autobots in the cartoon movie? And -- BIG SPOILER -- he was the robot with the testicles!!! DAMN YOU, MICHAEL BAY!! I had wanted to buy the Constructicons toy set (if it ever sees the light of day), but I've changed my mind now. I'd rather lay my hands on the classic green-and-purple ones and reclaim my innocent childhood.

Devastator's transformation, though, was rather cool, especially seeing as how it seemed like he forced the other Constructicons to merge with him. If only it had been shot in a wider persepective or a bird's eye view, so that the audience (and us fan boys) could really grasp the enormity and awesomeness of the combination.

Alas, for a "Transformers" movie, the robots were just pitiful. All except Soundwave. His voice was just... creepy and menacing at the same time. Almost like in the cartoon, but more bad-ass. Too bad he was seemingly absent (or indistinguishable from the other robots) during the final climactic battle.

Okay, and Jetfire too, when he made his entrance with his clarion call, only because it had a swashbuckler feel to it.

Not that his presence would have made a difference, I think. The humans would've still smashed the Decepticons. Yup, the humans, not the Autobots. I thought that this was a "Transformers" movie? Why were the humans doing all of the fighting? And as one would colloquially ask, "Bombs don't need money, is it?" There were too many explosions, enough to distract you from the absence of a storyline.

And if explosions weren't enough, Bay filled the movie with fratboy humour that would be better suited to a "National Lampoon"-type movie. Like the testicles scene. Or the university filled with sex-starved sluts in every nook and cranny. Or the guy caught with his pants down next to another passed-out guy. Or a robot humping Megan Fox's leg (poor Miss Fox!). I was particularly concerned about the reactions from the parents who had brought their preteen children. Parents, this is not a children's movie. It's rated PG - Parental Guidance, and believe me, you'll need to provide a lot of guidance!

This was just a terrible, terrible movie. This is one for the gutter. Now excuse me while I rewatch the cartoon movie and remember how the death of Optimus Prime was treated with so much dignity that children cried when they saw it.